Picking myself up, everyday

Just had a weekend of gym, golf, walking with friends, dinner with friends and a nice nights stay in the country. On Sunday Clive and I organised nearly all the accommodation for the walk which was a big weight off. Clive is a longtime friend and godfather to my son. Couldn't have done this without him! After all the planning, I returned home to unwind and watch the Masters Tournament, feeling satisfied at the weekends activities and achievements. Feet up, beer, perfect! However as the day wound down, I eventually had to turn off the lights, and climb into a now, too spacious bed. I feel so very lonely.

This morning, still hazy from another rough nights sleep, I opened the wrong wardrobe and was faced with all of Anna's lovely dresses. Again I am flooded with an unbelievable sense of loss. Each piece serves as a vivid reminder of her presence, the memories associated with those dresses, the moments of joy and love.. Now a reminder of everything I have lost, of the huge absence that now exists where Anna used to.

It's 07.00hrs, porridge, loss hanging over me like a weight around my neck. I lace up my boots, ready to embark on another walk, hoping to clear my eyes and ease my broken heart. Walking has become my refuge, a way to process my feelings, to connect with nature... Each step I take is a reminder that life goes on, even amidst the pain...

I'm considering bringing some of Anna's ashes with me on the journey around the South West Coast, but I'm still unsure - something feels strange about separating bits of her... I don't know how to explain it. I wish I could have asked her what she would have wanted. It pains me everyday to think of all the things we didn't get to speak about. I'm also thinking about scattering some of her ashes at the Saunton Sands Hotel, which I'll be passing by in Braunton. We had family holidays there back in the early 2000's, and it holds a lot of memories for me... as it did for Anna...