Dubai
- Phil Brown
- May 15
- 4 min read
I went to Dubai for a week to visit an old friend. He had extended the invitation with the hope of getting me out of Cheltenham, encouraging me to step away from the confines of my home, and to escape the constant reminders of Anna that linger in every corner of my life.
It was a fascinating place, a metropolis in the desert, beautifully clean and well kept and just a totally different way of life. The heat however was almost unbearable —hovering around 40 degrees Celsius, all day everyday. I wasn’t surprised to find myself as one of the very few people out walking most of the time, if not the only person out walking!
Understandably... I can admit... But I couldn't go a week without getting my steps in!
I averaged over 20,000 a day while I was there, topping out at about 33,000 on the day I went sightseeing to Dubai Marina, Dubai Mall, up the Burj Khalifa and the SkyView walk.
I must admit - and I have to accept that these feeling are here to stay for a good while - that even amidst the allure of this new environment, I found myself surrounded by memories of Anna at every turn. Everywhere I went, there were echoes of our past experiences together. Walking past a café called Nonna, Anna was so looking forward to being a grandparent and late last year had decided to forgo nanny, nan or grandma but wanted to be called nonna by her granddaughter. A connection to her Italian heritage and to her own mother and grandmother. But by the cruelest twist of fate Anna and baby Lennie were never to meet. Something I still can't fathom as being our families reality. A part of me still felt like I was going to get on the plane at Dubai International Airport and arrive home to Anna...
Then there was the yoga studio I walked past, the words 'YOGA' and 'TRIBE' displayed on the facade of the shop front. That alone gave me a lump in my throat. Anna reflecting to me last year, regarding her peers at Orange Yoga Studio, "I have finally found my tribe." Her voice in my head
And when I ventured onto the skywalk, a transparent walkway suspended veery high above the streets below...
...all I could picture was how Anna would've reacted! Her eyes widening at the thought of walking over the glass. She would have HATED it. I could hear her voice chiding my name as I would have undoubtably tried to persuade her to join me, while at the same time jumping up and down on the glass. But instead I stood there alone, gazing down at the city beneath me, and I felt the all too familiar pang of longing and loss.
The most poignant moments, however, came when I found myself sitting alone at various cafes or bars, sipping my coffee or nursing a cold beer while watching the world go by. We used to revel in those simple joys, sitting side by side, sharing our thoughts, laughter, feeling connected to the pulse of life around us, together - and of course talking about the passers by! The beautiful location, with its stunning skyline and gorgeous weather, only served to amplify my feelings of guilt and sadness. I was surrounded by beauty, sun, I was travelling! Yet it felt hollow without her by my side... The guilt was overwhelming, a constant, nagging presence that I couldn’t shake off. It’s hard to articulate where this guilt comes from; after all, nothing that transpired was my fault or anyone else's fault... Perhaps it stemmed from the stark reality that I was experiencing life and she never would again... That I was moving forward while she remained forever in the past. our shared experiences becoming a shared history... I was in a city that promised adventure and discovery, yet I was burdened by the weight of what could have been, and the guilt of enjoying life without her feels like an insurmountable obstacle. Feeling very lonely. Will days like this ever truly be a joy again?
Dubai was something different and I'm glad to have gone. The mixed bag of emotions was an inevitability really, first time abroad without my beloved. Admittedly I didn't always feel present there, but getting up in the morning, going outside and walking does bring me peace and soothes my feelings of pain. I'm thankful to Dave for having me over, and to he and Jo for their hospitality. He moved there over a decade ago and this was my first time making it over to see him! Dave had come back to the UK for Anna's funeral, and again not long after for our dear friend Simon's funeral. Simon too, spending his final days under the care of the team at Sue Ryder Leckhampton Court Hospice. Although Dave was working a lot during my stay in Dubai, we did squeeze two rounds of golf in and it was healing to reconnect with an old friend doing what we used to do all those years ago in Cheltenham at Lilley Brook Golf Club - him playing a great round of golf and me by his side playing a somewhat less impressive round.
Walked the marina every morning, saw the sights, played golf at Jumeirah Golf Estates The Earth Course and Dubai Hills Golf Club. Not too shabby! But now back to the UK and the fast approaching trek around the South West Coast Path.
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